A Self Criticism

It has been 3 and half months since my last post, and pretty much the same amount of time has elapsed since I last looked at this project. There are a variety of reasons for this. But regardless, I am hoping the distance with give me some much needed perspective, so that I can look at the current images with less of a sense of preciousness. So here is a very long evaluation of the work so far:

I’ve been going through the entire project and, rather than making excuses for it, I’m highlighting the issues which need to be changed. Despite liking many of the ideas/words/images, many are going to need to be amended, edited, or deleted altogether. They still exist, and can be used in a portfolio – but if they don’t work in the book, I need to be ruthless and get rid of them. I am putting money into this project, it is my FIRST book after all, and I want it to be the best I can produce. It is a portrayal of me and my illustrative work and I want to be able to be proud of it.

Firstly, I need to seriously re-consider some of the ideas in the book. The purple objects denoting the person who is gone are very telling of who it is. And as readers, we will be looking for clues to work out who that is. However, I originally wanted to keep it reasonably ambiguous, so that different readers who had lost love ones could all relate to it. But I think this confuses matters. Looking at other books on death, such as:

They each tell a different story where people are dealing with someone dieing and trying to cope with it. There are different stories, different characters and the tell a specific tale. The reader is still able to relate to the situation, the feelings the characters portray, the situations they find themselves in, and they are still able to find some form of comfort from them – by knowing that they are not alone in these feelings, by putting this horrific happening into some sort of narrative context, and for a while at least, escaping into a fictional world.

From this I’ve realised I need to stick to certain characters and a certain back story for my poem. In the back of my head I’ve always thought it was about two siblings (probably two sisters as I have a sister – especially as I’ve been using photos of us as children as my main sources – although this does seem a bit of a morose thing to be writing about. I have never lost a sister, and the idea of loosing mine is obviously horrific, I’m not sure if it is completely distasteful to base a book on the idea of it. Maybe Freud would have a lot to say about this is regards to sibling rivalry… Anyway, hopefully having a little bit of a back story will help in creating the ideas for the images, eg. empty bed, place setting, grandpa's empty knee, marks on the wall, swinging together - suggest the loss of a sibling, probably female.

Secondly, when looking at some of the ideas I have been using, some of them need re-working. Whilst studying creative writing on my degree we were advised to always use CONCRETE images to describe ABSTRACT concepts. For example, if someone is feeling embarrassed rather than saying “Julie felt embarrassed by what Mel said about her” you would say, “Julie’s cheeks flamed deep peach pink at Mel’s sudden exclamation”. Not only does it become more descriptive and real to the reader, if I stick to concrete images about what it is like to miss and remember a loved one, it will be much less confusing. Some of the images are a little too fantastical, for example, the empty hand is purple – putting a purple glove on the girls hand makes it a more believable image. And some of the text does not lend themselves to concrete images, e.g:

Yellow is a sudden smile, and awful burst of laughter,

Yellow is bananas and custard, and feeling sick after

- I am hoping to cut these lines and come up with some new text.

Thirdly, I’m not sure if I would like the book to be a bit bigger. The majority of children’s books are larger, and one of the reasons I chose this size was due to price. I want the size to suggest this is a special book specifically for children – but then I do also want to encourage interaction between adult and child – something to think about! Dimensions I will keep the same, so size can be looked at later.

Finally, in terms of images, I think I will re-do all of them with the followings idea in mind:

• To stick to ONE way of working, one process, so that the images are similar in terms of light/dark and there is a fluidity in the book. I have really enjoyed all the experimentation, and I can always use different ways of working in other projects, but I am considering to sticking to one technique, probably similar to the yolk/sock/cold images.
• This will hopefully lead to less use of photoshop
• To keep the images as clear as possible (there have been issues with the photography which has led images to become a bit blurred and low quality)
• I will stick to two types of text – swirly, joined up writing, and the more blocked individual letters
• The purple and yellow need to be CLEAR – hopefully I can make all the purple objects have small yellow stars to make the idea more obvious.

So lots of things to look at and amend! I have a lot to do…

Final amends

Before I move on to new images, here is the amended version of the daffodil image - with the small purple-ish mound of earth to root the daffodils into the picture (rather than leaving them floating) and the head shape made more purple with photoshop. The only thing to add (if necessary) is the stars around the purple head.

Newly amended image

Right then, the 'Yellow Drink' image is re-drawn. I am much more pleased with it than the original drawing, a little bit of effort goes a long way.

Original:

New:

Much more realistic and delicate.

And the finished image, photographed on the lightbox, with cut out lettering, sized, lightened and purple added in...

Unfortunately, this technique looses a lot of the original detail, but at least an atmospheric feel is created. Adding in the purple and stars still needs a bit of work - trying to add in the fantastical element without it looking a little too odd.

Yellow drink image

Before I move onto new images, I am going through to make amendments to the current ones, so that I am a bit happier with them. (Hence the playing around with purples).

I've begun to re-draw the "yellow drink" image, as the girl's face was pretty hideous...

And there were a number of problems with the drawing. Instead, I've used an old photo of my sister, flipped around, to create a more realistic image...

Although it is frowned upon to work from photos, I don't have a huge amount of contact with children to use as models, and I actually quite like my personal attachment to these photos of my and my sister's childhood - they hopefully add a sense of nostalgia and depth (at least, to me they do!)

One of the problems I have at the moment is that, going straight into the illustrating, I didn't think about the character's in the images. As I wanted an ambiguous, poetic feeling, I don't have an exact back story to the book, and so haven't created a central character, so the children (all girls) in the images are all quite different, which will probably cause further confusion for the reader. So, I've made the decision to try to use photos of my sister as much as possible throughout the book - to try to add to the continuity.

Anyway, I'm currently much more pleased with the re-drawing, which I think has more sensitivity to the scene...

I still need to add the colour (in this instance using pencil crayons), but I do like the simplicity of the pencil lines and simple tones of light through the paper. I have ideas to concentrate (after this first project) to create more adult illustrations with more muted tones, perhaps to illustrate poetry, going back to some of the first images I made such as this one:

Swing image

And after a little bit more playing, here is the "purple enhanced" swing image...

More photoshop experiments

Managed to pick up the photoshop-brush today - finally. Just a quick bit of playing around to the sand image, using the yellow-er original image and adding my chosen purple using different sized and different levels of transparency brushes to try to make the purple areas stand out as much as possible and link with the other pages.

Anyway, here is the finished result...

I'm still not convinced about it - and I really need to see how all of these images look once printed, as on screen and print vary to such a degree, especially with these photographic and digitally manipulated images.

New Purple

Things are getting off to a sloooow re-start. But to begin, I am trying to solve the "purple" problem. That is, am trying to get some consistency with the purple in each image, and making it stand out within the illustrations. So using photoshop, I've selected the correct area, and painted over with a selected purple, keeping a degree of transparency so that the textures and luminosity of the images is retained.

As you can see in these exciting before and after shots!

Before...

And after...

Before...

And after...

It may not seem to make a huge amount of difference, but I am hoping it now looks more purple, and if added to all the images - may add a degree of continuity and flow between the pages, fingers crossed!

Continuity problems...

Two posts in one day!!

I also want to document my concerns (from an illustrative book point of view) confirmed from a recent group criticism by the Picture Club (a group of illustrators I am part of).

Most importantly the lack of continuity between the images. As you can see from the current double page spreads...

Although I am relatively happy with each image individually (although all need tweaking/re-drawing, etc.) there are too many differences between the images in terms of:

- different lettering

- use of different media

- the point of view of the images

- the characters within the images

- the colours - especially the yellows and purple.

I had a decent conversation about this within the group criticism, one of the problems with my way of working is that is is so definite. Once the paper has been cut, there is little room to make amendments to an image, you can't rub it out. Therefore, one of the changes I hope to make is my way of working, to build up layers using photoshop, so that I can play with the finished image so much easier. So I need to polish up my adobe skills! I am concerned that this will give too much of a "digital" feel to the illustrations, but we will have to see. Also, one of the most important things within the images is the use of yellow and purple, although I want there to be a variety of yellows, to symbolise different emotions and memories: fear, sickness, loneliness, triumph, hope, happiness, the purple, I want and need as a constant. The purple symbolises the missing person, and needs to be obvious enough so that the reader eventually realises it, so I may need to depend on trusty photoshop to provide one definite purple colour, rather than the red/blue-y variants I currently have in the images. So, lots to be done!

Bereavement Charity Research

Right then, everything has pretty much come to a halt over the last couple of weeks, hence the lack of blogging, as life and work has got in the way of the project and anything remotely creative, which is very frustrating. So I need to get into some kind of routine again and focus on some new (less tight) deadlines, now that I have less time on my hands.

In the past few weeks I've been able to contact some grief charities, local and national, and have received really helpful responses, information packs, words of encouragement, and I'm meeting a local charity tomorrow - which will be an invaluable experience. Speaking to someone first hand who talks to people and children dealing with grief on a daily basis will be a great opportunity, for one of my main concerns about writing this book is that I am not professionally trained within this area. It will be also be good to get the opinions of someone new to the project and my work - as I constantly worry that it won't make complete sense to readers (although, to some extent, everyone's reading of the book should be different, incorporating their own feelings and experiences into the words and pictures).

Marketing strategies

Self-publishing is obviously a lot more than book production and printing - that bit is relatively straight forward, although expensive and time consuming. The advantage of self publishing is that as the author and illustrator you have complete control over the book production part, but the disadvantage is that you also have complete control (and responsibility) for the marketing, sales and distribution part of the publishing. I have very little professional experience, knowledge and understanding of marketing and sales - although I have gleamed bits and pieces from various jobs, work experience and general life and common sense. So I am hoping that the best way that I am going to learn is through trial and error.

It is hard to be both business-minded and creative, whilst remaining sensitive to my subject matter and vulnerable target audience. But my way of coping with this currently, is to think in terms of: the better the business strategy, marketing, networking and advertising, the more readers the book will be able to reach out to, and potentially help.

So from my very basic business skills, here are my ideas/plans for a vague marketing strategy...

Audiences:

Local contacts

When self publishing, the marketing of selling books to friends and family is quickly exhausted. Luckily, through my course and employment, I have a small network of creative contacts in Cornwall, who may be interested in my endeavour to self publish, and the original illustration technique, if not the subject matter.

Bereaved children and those around them, their friends and family and professionals

Through my research I have come across a number of bereavement, and specifically child bereavement charities doing invaluable work to support and guide those dealing with grief and the grief of others. They are a brilliant source of information on how to talk and help those grieving, and often provide links to other sources of help. Some of them also include reading lists - books that explore the subject of grief and bereavement to help people come to terms with their loss. Relatives and friends can often feel at a total loss when someone (especially a child) is grieving, and providing them with a gift of a book which they could possibly read through with the child could prove an invaluable source of comfort.

I am currently developing relationships with some of these charities - which may be a great way to reach the book's target audience.

Collectors of illustrated books/tourists

I am hoping to set up sale or return arrangements with local businesses within Cornwall. There are huge numbers of local galleries, gift shops, books shops, artistic cafes who already sell similar limited editions by local creatives - it will just be a matter of keeping track of stock!

New illustration

I'm catching up with the deadlines! Another completed (ish) illustration...

I am really enjoying spending all this time drawing and playing - it is such a pleasure to get to spend so much time on one project all at once (rather than bits and pieces whenever I can fit it in) - I'm hoping it will help with the flow of the work, rather than seeming stunted.

I love how exciting putting these images together can be, you do a nice drawing, some nice colouring in and paper cuttings...

And then you switch the lightbox on and the image is transformed, almost magically...

Another double page spread

I am very behind at the moment (predictably). I should have completed 8 double page spreads by tomorrow if I was keeping to schedule - but I'm currently finishing number 5 (busy day tomorrow!)

But to document this, here is number 5 (to go on page 6)

I'm not overly impressed with the image - although I'm not convinced that these blog posts reproduce images at a particularly high quality (printed the background colour will be more of a deep ochre giving that feeling of old sepia tinged photographs.) Sadly, I have had to photoshop the finished image again (just a case of highlighting the stars around the empty hand) as previously, they looked like this:

Luckily, the digital re-touching isn't too obvious.

A current concern (I'm always full of concern!) are the background colours of each spread. As explained previously, I don't have complete control over this medium and the resulting colours, so I am fearful that I don't have control of the book as a whole e.g. the relationship between one page and another - that one page may be too contrastingly different in colour to the next, or too similar. I've been looking at my mock up and the overall structure of the book to try to anticipate problems beforehand (the order I am completing images is quite erratic, based on which ever I fancy, rather than in order 1-14, which could prove problematic!). Anyway, I've concluded that may aim is for the following structure/colours for the 14 double page spreads:

1 Darkest image - with bright yellow sunshine beginning to brighten the image

2 Getting lighter - as the day begins (breakfast)

3 Getting lighter - (getting dressed)

4 Getting lighter

5 Yellow - within these six central pages I want to include a range of different yellow backgrounds

6 Yellow

7 Yellow

8 Yellow

9 Yellow

10 Yellow

11 Getting darker - as the day ends (remembrance and hope through the daffodils)

12 Getting darker

13 Getting darker (sunset)

14 Darkest image - of the night sky

Sorry, this post is very rambling and personal notes that possibly only I would understand. But they are helping me to think about the whole project and the finished product.

Illustration issues and concerns

Things have slowed down immensely last week - things like friends visiting and general life got in the way of the book project, and so I just didn't stick to deadlines. But it is a new week - so hopefully this one might go a little better.

Another current concern is my lack of control over my light box/photography medium. Although I've been using this technique to make images for the past couple of years, it is still (and I imagine always will be) much more complicated to control than putting a pencil to paper - especially in terms of colour and the lightness of a completed image. I quite like not being able to completely control the end result of an image, but in a book of sequential images, where the relationship between each is really important - it can become a bit of an issue.

See, for example, some of the images for the "Yellow are feet in the cold white sand" image:

Here I've experimented with a range of camera settings and also with the levels of light/dark, contrast etc. within photoshop. (I always find using photoshop an issue - I would really rather leave the original images as raw as possible, but to get the desired effect, colour, and to ensure the images are readable once printed, it is usually essential).

Also, within this image, I've had to (grudgingly) use photoshop to add in the purple tints (to the necklace and footprints) that just weren't possible just using the light box. For example, an attempt to create purple tints using just the lightbox...

Rather than a bright purple, it unfortunately just looks like dark shadows. Whereas using photoshop...

It is possible to control the purple tinted effect (to an extent). However, through this blog analysis, I still want to make some amendments - firstly, I wish to use one of the more "yellow" images - the one above is too white - and secondly, the purple of the necklace and footprints just do not stand out well enough within the image. These blog posts are proving very helpful!

Printers

I had my first visit to the printers today - I'm hoping to use the local printers: Boothes based in Penryn, although possibly a bit more expensive than a larger city printer, I wanted to keep it local, that way I could visit to ask questions whenever needed and also I had a little experience of working with Boothes through some work experience done with the publishing press associated with my MA course: Atlantic Press

This is a rather early visit in the book production process, but as this is my first book and I'm completely new to the whole business, I wanted to know what options were available to me. Also, one of the illustrators I am part of a collective with: The Picture Club suggested it would be a good idea - to make sure I am working to the right dimensions, that nothing has been overlooked etc. etc.

So I have just got back from the helpful printers, to arrive with quotes already in my inbox - and they are not as bad numbers as I was expecting - woop! To save money, I am probably going to print digitally (rather than litho - which is more expensive for small print runs as the expensive bit is making the plates up) which at Boothes, means a double page spread needs to be smaller than A3. My pages are therefore as big as I can possibly get within this: 140mm by 210mm. In a perfect world, I would have preferred the book a bit bigger, like typical children's books - my ideal that I am using as a model would be the dimensions of Emily Gravett's The Odd Egg

Beautifully produced in hard back with a green material binding.

Anyway, I am consoling myself that a) I can then spend a bit of extra money on making the book as high quality and special as possible and b) the book is meant for little hands to turn the pages, and smaller is therefore more accessible!

So, thats the printing taken care of, I am definitely sticking with hard back, it really has to be to fit in with the gift market. I am also going for a matt laminate (I hate shiny!) with uncoated paper (popular currently, apparently) - again, I'm really not a fan of shiny, reminds me of flashy magazines, and doesn't scream quality to me. I want something of a nice weight and texture though. Not sure about the end papers yet, I might look into printed ones, or extra pages to add in a title and last page.

The printer also kindly gave me a run through the process of proofing and calibrating - this is something I'm a bit worried about, as in my experience with my work - what looks fine on screen, is far too dark once printed, especially if printed high quality. So there will probably be quite the proofing process!

Initial costs were surprisingly low to me, especially as I am able to use digital printing, so there are possible extras that I am going to look into, e.g. gold gilding (for stars on the front cover?), a yellow ribbon to mark the pages, possible embossing of the title 'Yellow Day' - all these possibilities are very exciting, and will be great for making it one of those "must buy", limited edition purchases - that is the idea anyway.

Then it comes down to numbers for the first print run - to get your money's worth, the larger the print run the better, but then I don't want my flat to be inundated with boxes of books and also, if the run is smaller, the edition will be more limited, thus more sought after, in theory. My current idea is run of 200 - but we will have to see.

A little bit about me...

Trying not to sound tremendously self obsessed (but then, that is what a blog is), maybe some information about my background might explain my work as an illustrator/writer for children.

From a young age I’ve loved the idea of writing and drawing all day, producing beautiful books for kids. I sadly fell in love with reading adventure books like Enid Blyton and Nancy Drew. Looking back they weren’t the best written work in the world, and followed a strict structure every time, but the adventure and excitement just helped you to turn the pages and never get to sleep on time. (Similarly, I suspect, to page-turning Harry Potter).

However, my books and work is in complete opposition to those that I loved as a child…which possibly isn’t a good idea! I aim to make original picture books that are full of depth of meaning, however, I do always worry about how demanding this then is on the child reader. An American theorist on Children’s Literature which I have read intently (which has caused far more hindrance than help to my creative work!) is Perry Nodelman, who researches the difficulty of Children’s books – how they indoctrinate, to extent, young minds into society, therefore being very powerful objects. (His work entitles The Hidden Adult is compelling). This idea is terrifying to me as a writer and illustrator for children, especially when writing for vulnerable children at a very difficult, emotional and impressionable time in their lives. But I have come to the conclusion that with good intentions, and remaining sensitive to my audience as I work, hopefully my book will have more positive, than negative effects.

This website of his also looks readable...

http://pernodel.wordpress.com/

Research into child bereavement

I've expressed my concerns before about writing about child bereavement - all children are impressionable, and writing and illustrating for children is always a difficult business - but writing for those who are grief stricken and going through life altering experiences needs to be treated with extreme sensitivity and care. There are numerous bereavement charities, help groups and websites out there, offering words of advice, and these have been tremendously helpful in my research. For example the following radio show:

http://www.kidsthesedays.org/

Has some interesting information, explaining how children are often overwhelmed and confused by the grieving around them, which can cause adult care givers to protect them from the grief, sending them to stay with friends/relatives. But the process and the activities going on need to be explained openly, and talked honestly about. To comfort them they need to know that they can still think and talk about the missing person, and that they can still do the things they used to do with them - to keep their memory alive.

That is what I want my book to be about - remembering the person that is lost, whilst learning to enjoy life again now that they have gone. To give people, and especially children, a sense of hope, that people are never truly lost, as they live on in our memories of them.

New illustrations

I am on a strict deadline to finish the book, for one reason, I will never finish it if I don't stick to my self-made deadlines (illustrations and writing can always be improved upon, edited, amended, and so, in my mind, are never truly finished) and secondly, the time I am taking off work to complete the project is severely eating into my savings! Unfortunately, after trying to work on projects, whilst also working in exhausting (and soul destroying) admin jobs, I just wasn't getting any work done, I wasn't exactly inspired, and once I did get into a drawing, I'd have to leave it - there wasn't any flow to the creative work, so it became stilted to a point in which it came to a standstill.

SO, the deadline is two double page spreads a week (the week ending on Wednesdays). So here are the two, slightly unfinished, illustrations from yesterday...

Illustrations and a mock up

I thought I would bless the blog with an update on where I am getting on. I have created a rough mock up of what the book might look like when it was finished, it is terribly rough and covered in glue stains, but it helps to see it as a finished product:

The front cover is a work in progress - I want far more texture and and purple in the night sky, and lots more smaller, possibly golden, stars (I am also not even convinced by the title!) The following are the most finished pages currently (although all need a good polish and amendments made).

I am struggling with a couple of illustrations for the following lines:

Yellow is a sudden smile, and awful outburst of laughter,

Yellow is bananas and custard, and feeling sick after

These are pivotal lines in the book, about the guilty feeling of enjoying life after someone has gone, and because they are abstract feelings, they are very difficult to produce images for. Illustrations to text need to tell more than the text itself, and I want the illustrations to picture the guilt, the sudden stopping of living as you remember those that are missing, the aches in the stomach that can never be filled. These images need to be filled with turmoil and confusion in their mixture of contrasting feelings - and I am currently completely stuck! In every illustration I am trying to include clues of the missing person - displayed in purple (in the examples above there is an empty place mat on the kitchen table, and in the second, more positive image, the silhouette of a head can be seen in the music, to indicate the triumphant memory of the person within the newly grown daffodils) - and this is a further problem I am having to illustrate these difficult lines. I am hoping some sleep, and a walk by the sea tomorrow, might give me some inspiration!

Yellow

When conceiving the idea for this story, I wanted to produce a book full of sunshine, life and love, where the images are flooded with light. The way I work as an illustrator is to put layers of paper and drawings on top of a lightbox and then take photos - as you can see in the image below:

This can create quite dark images, but I wanted to use the interesting medium to create images dancing in the light. It is an opportunity to create nostalgic images, reminiscent of old, over exposed photographs, or even memories. So once the whole idea of having something, or someone, missing from the story, this particular medium seemed perfect.

So, I wanted to use the colour yellow, with its connotations of life, light, sunshine, happiness and nature to evoke various simple pleasures of life that were to be felt in one particular day: egg yolks, the sand beneath your feet, daffodils, the moon and stars...

Yellow is also associated with Easter, for example the crocus flower and its yellow stamen, and therefore re-birth, spring and the cycles of life. Through the story I am aiming to portray a feeling of time, the natural cycles of the day, the seasons and life itself, it begins in the morning, ending at night, there are images from both summer and winter (you do need to suspend realism to an extent), and there are images of life and growth, with egg yolks, daffodils and pencil marks on the wall showing growing up. I want to use the colour yellow to show the small pleasures life brings us, along with the terrible, heart wrenching, purple aches of missing a loved one.